I need to get these thoughts out of my head before I go completely mad. I am angry. Far angrier then I should be.
But the insane part? The one I am angry with is myself. Because I am a giant failure. Let me explain.
Firstly, I am a failure financially. 8 years ago, when I was 22, I made about $10 an hour working. That slowly went up as I changed jobs, got small promotions and whatnot. About a year ago I was up to $14.50 an hour. Not a bad wage for a guy who made his living doing over the phone customer service. But then that company decided to move operations to California, and left me jobless.
The only jobs that were hiring at that time that I had the skills to do paid around $8 an hour. Because of the economy and my lack of any real skill beyond typing 100 words a minute and surviving being screamed at for 10 years. So I end up where I am now…making $10 an hour again. That’s right. 8 years of work and I am back where I fucking started. And I have no one to blame but myself. I have had chances, numerous ones, to get an education. Hell my last job (3 years there before they moved) had Tuition Reimbursement and would work around a school schedule. Did I go? NOPE. I was too lazy, or maybe too scared. And now? I couldn’t afford it without going EVEN DEEPER into debt if I tried.
Tried to do online school but found that’s not something I can do, I need someone to teach me in person. Wasted about $400 on that.
But that is just one example really.
The only good thing I have ever done is marry my wonderful wife. But even then I feel like I am a failure, because I feel like I can’t give her the things she wants or deserves. A house? NOPE, my credit is shot to hell and we couldn’t afford or even save for a down payment.
A Kid? NOPE. Cant afford it, among other physical reasons I wont get into here on my part. Unless we adopt, but still, no room cant afford one!
A Pet? NOPE! Again, can’t afford it. Had to give up my guinea pigs because of that and my inability to take care of them properly.
Hell I have to ride the bus every day because we can only afford one car!
Oh, another thing: I am a failure socially. It occurred to me today that I am really not the kind of person who makes friends. Acquaintances yes, friends no. I connect with no one around me beyond my wife and 2 other people that I know. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t party. I don’t LIKE to do those things. Everyone I know though? Yea, they do. I don’t like the same music. I don’t like the same TV. Hell I don’t even watch fucking TV. I think its pointless.
I am surrounded by people at work but not a single one is someone I would really want to spend time with outside of it. I have tried in fact, tried playing DND with a guy and his friends. Lasted one session. Couldn’t stand to be around them, didn’t like how they played. Tried with another guy I know who is as close to a friend as I have around here, but I have nothing I can talk to him about.
I have 2 people beyond my wife who I could call friends. One I have never met in person and is so busy that I hate trying to talk to him, for fear that I am distracting him. The other I have known for years but have drifted apart from. Our interests have changed and again I find there is nothing I can really talk to him about.
My only solace (and this is downright sad when I think about it) are video games. As they have been my entire life. In a game, I am a success. In a game, I am someone who can get things done and actually not fail! And if I fail I can try again, no harm no foul.
Why doesn’t life have reload and save points?!
But again, I am not depressed no. I passed that a few weeks ago. No, now I am ANGRY. And when I try to think of some way to fix it, I cant. AND THAT ENRAGES ME FURTHER! And the only time that I get this way is when I trapped at work. I use the word trapped because frankly that’s how I feel.
I sit here, doing nothing but stew in my own rage, getting more and more furious with myself. My job does not require me to think, thus my mind is allowed to wander…and thus I end up where I am right now.
When I get home, when I am with my wife, and I have something to read or do or play, I calm down. The weekends are nice and calm because I don’t have to think about these things.
But I should. I shouldn’t let it sit inside eating me up. I can tell that the next few weeks, at least I tell I get over this, are going to be such fun >.>
And I am not asking for help. No one really can help me.
I just needed to vent.