Reblogging this from SciFi and Scary (When will stop riding her Coattails?)
She had posted this, and I of course commented on it, but I felt like, why not, lets give you folks a bit of insight into my mind.
My answer to this would be: Me.
I am my own worst enemy. I am not saying that to be melodramatic. Allow me to explain.
I am 33 years old, and growing up I was the loner. The bullied kid. The fat kid. That nerd kid who doesn’t like sports but likes reading! He likes those stupid video games. He is fat and ugly. Ect ect.
Nevermind that I also was diagnosed with ADHD, needed glasses, the works.
Even my moms boyfriend frequently verbally abused me (along with my mom) growing up.
I have never considered myself much of a success. Fact is, I generally expect to fail. Its easier to expect to not be accepted or to fail then it is to hope for success or hope for acceptance. Why you might ask? Because history has taught me otherwise.
Now, Logically I know I am not a failure. I have a wife of 8 years now, I got a job that pays alright, I got a car, an apartment. I have spending cash and am not constantly broke.
But there is always this little man in the back of my head who basically keeps up a constant stream of “You are going to fail. You are going to fuck up. You are going to lose everything.”
I would have been suicidal if not for my contrary nature. You see, I hate letting others win. So when I got bullied, I literally got so stubborn about it I refused to even consider suicide or anything. Why let those fuckers win eh? They hate me? GOOD. I WILL STAY AROUND THEN.
This is the kind of crap that goes in behind my face.
It doesnt help when I try my damndest at something and fail. I take it worse then most. Or hell, when I do my best at something and basically get told “thats nice, but its not hard enough”. Work is where this frequently happens.
Now a days I just sorta shrug, and keep moving forward. Its all I can do. I read, and play video games, partially as an escape from this sort of nonsense.
Because it is nonsense. Yes, I probably have clincal depression or something but hell, I have been doing fine for 33 years, and I can do fine now. I got my wife and a life and I will be damned if the Universe will beat me.
But damned me if it doesnt try.